Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
