I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I deserve this hangover.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize