Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
