Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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