I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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