I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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