I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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