I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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