Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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