my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
