i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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