apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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