My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
