just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
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my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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