saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
