my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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