I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
