mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
