Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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