how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
