I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is wine microwaveable?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
