I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
