Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
