I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
