for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
