I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
