swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
