I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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