I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
