***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
