you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
