remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
