I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
