i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
