I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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