Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
