We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
