time to smoke my breakfast
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
