It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
