I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
