Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
