I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
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I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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