i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
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