Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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