He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
