I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
