We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
