Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
