He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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