Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
