I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
