my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
