Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
