JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
