I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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