I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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