How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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