I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
