You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
