RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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