you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
