She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
