dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
