Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
