You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
