How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
